What do you think?

2004-04-05, 1:43 p.m.

Is it possible to be depressed and just not know it? Or am I just unmotivated? The last couple of months I have barley left my apartment except to go to work. For a while I was blaming it on the fact that I don�t really have any friends, but I am starting to realize that might not be true. For example, last Sunday I was supposed to go play basketball with the family. I was the one who did not show up. I was supposed to call Miah back yesterday and I never did. Then again today Danny invited me to go to the Jazz game with him. I told him I would but I have spent the last couple of hours thinking of excuses to cancel because I don�t want to go. Why don�t I want to go? I like basketball, I like the Jazz, I know I need to get out of the house... and hell it�s free so I cannot use being broke as an excuse. I decided I am going to make myself go. So now I get to do laundry because my dressy cloths are still dirty.

I was a big ass to Martina at work today, and even though I apologized it was a half ass apology. I don�t why I get so mean and hurtful for no reason. The story behind it is...

There is this girl, a friend of Martina and I guess me her name is Trish. We met her at Denny�s a few months ago. Long story short we found out she is bisexual and wanted to have a threesome with me and Martina, who is also bisexual. I was all for it so... we did. Twice. And it was awesome. We were supposed to hang out last Sunday but she had other plans. Martina met her for lunch yesterday and Trish told her she had a boyfriend. And Martina made the mistake of telling me she wanted her alone. And she asked her about that and Trish said she wanted her boyfriend involved. And before she had a chance to Finnish I began accusing her of wanting to. I got pretty nasty in and I told her that I know her, and I know she will end up doing it. She knows if she sleeps with anyone else... this �friends with benefits� thing will end. I refuse to share. I know where not together anymore but she is the one who wants to continue sleeping together. And I do not want to get some funky decease from one of her wild sexcapades. So my jealousy convinced me that she was going to have a threesome with Trish and her new boyfriend. I still think she will, I know how casual sex is to her, but I know it�s not fair of me to accuse her when I don�t really know. Martina is a horny little thing she always has been. And she will take it where she can get it. To tell you the truth I think that is the main reason I could not fall in love with her. I could not trust her. Her past, things that came up while we were dating. One more then one occasion I had reason to believe she was cheating on me. But I kinda gave her the benefit of the doubt. Weather I as right or not I�ll never know. But I know her, I can read her, and I am pretty sure if she has the opportunity she will take it.

I really think I should stop this �friends with benefits� thing before I get hurt, or worse... get a decease. I tried to end it before and when it came down to it. I know I did not really want to. The sex is great but is it worth the risk?

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