do I have the strength???

2004-08-24, 6:51 p.m.

I am so lonely I cant take it much longer. Why is it like this? Why am I such a needy person? Why cant I just be happy by myself? I am trying so hard to stay positive through all this but sitting home all day bruting over things all by myself is only making me feel worse. Ted told me that being happy is a choice and all I have to do is choose to be happy and I will. I do! I fucking choose to be happy why is it not working dammit? I made my fucking list, I read it everyday, I have my goals and I�m working towards them. Why do I still feel like giving up?

I have spent all day trying to get people to hang out with me or even just talk to me on the phone. And all I get is rejection, and disappointment. What do I have to do to make it through this? Martina is struggling too she called me today and wanted to talk about her new man. And boy do I want to be there for her but... it is harder then one might think. To talk to your ex-girlfriend who you are still in love with about her relationship with someone else. Does she not realize how much what she did has hurt me? Am I supposed to just be able to act like I�m not going through hell because the woman I love is fucking someone else, someone I work with? I am in so much pain its near unbearable. If this pain I am feeling does not lift soon I�m not sure I will make it. I know that sounds dramatic, I know everyone goes through the same thing I am going through, I know I have gone through it before myself and I made it out alive. But I can�t just sit here and wait for the pain to go away, I need to find things to take mind off of her. Why will none of my friends hang out with me? Truthfully I don�t even like most of my friends for this very reason but the fact that I would be there for them and I am here feeling so alone drives me near breakdown.

Do I sound dramatic? Do I sound like I�m trying to get people to feel sorry for me? Well I�m not no one reads my diary anyway. I am just trying to make sense of all the emotions I am feeling. I�m pouring my heart into the keyboard as I feel it. I want the pain to stop, I don�t want to be alone anymore, I want her to love me unconditionally be there for me like I would be there for her. I want her to hold me and make the pain go away. I want to go rent videos and stay up way to late cuddling up with her in the dark. I want to forget about everything that has happened, I want to start all over from the beginning and do it right this time.

I know that is not possible and I just made myself cry again. I know that what I want and what I need to too different things. I know that if I just be strong and let time heal my broken heart things will get better. I know If I find myself and pull through I will come out stronger and become a better man. I know that, I know all those things but I also know how hard that is going to be. To be all alone and sit here and wait until time makes it all better. To wait for circumstance bring me someone new.

I don�t want to have friends, I don�t want to date... there is too much rejection, and disappointment in that. I just want a lover, one person to cling to and share everything with. I want it to be real, I want to trust her, love her, respect her with every fiber of my being. I want to do It tight this time and I know I am in no place emotionally to begin something like that. I am aware that I am going to have to suck it up and deal with the pain, its not just going to go away even though I want it to. I know that I can not count on anyone other them myself to make it happen. The only question is... do I have the strength???

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