its all my fault

2001-09-25, 4:22 p.m.

i have been a bit bummed out latley, but i feel a little better today. i hope i can stop letting everything bother me so much. work is getting better now that im getting the hang of things, this job makes me feel pretty damn smart. i mean as many people fail as icm, and i get thrown into it with hardly any training, and no education,and i pick it right up. maybey now i should learn how to spell. im almost concidering going to collage. well of corse i have to finnish high school first but that is the easy part. finding time and money to go to school is the hard part. but it is important if i want to reach my goal and coach football. i dont like to think of myself not doing what i want with my life, i really need to get into gear. im old enough now i know for sure what i want to do... and it has everything to do with football. i dont really care about money, i just need enough to pay the bills and then im set. the most important thing is being happy, doing what i want and enjoying myself. life is to short not to do anything but get buy, and way to short to worry about being rich all the time. i just want to enjoy life. im still concidering ending my realationship with danie (of sound mind) i think i hurt hur more then anything and i dont want to be the one who tears her down. i know it should be simple... STOP HURTING HER! great ideal, but it must be alot harder then it seems because i have been trying for some time now but i keep slipping up. every slip up burries a thousand roses and then im trying to dig myself out of a hole i have burried myelf in. witch usualy leads to more chances to fuck up and i alwise do... somehow, i alwise fuck up when im trying to make things better. they say love takes work, i think that is an understatment. the love danie and i have is like nothing i could even begin to decribe... but we cant stand living together. explaine that. we are so differant she will never understand me, just as i will never understand her. and i think she wants us to be over but she dont want to be the one to say it. thats the way she is it alwise has to be my fault... no matter what.

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