a piece of something from the other side

2011-01-17, 2:58 a.m.

I have been doing this thing where i try not to complain and whine... not working out too well though. i did not even want to write this entry for the fear i will be breaking my own little pact. then i thought about it... whats the differance if i think it in my head or put it on paper so to speak? none!
lately especially lately i have been feeling like i can do 100 things right and no one will notice, but if i do even 1 thing wrong... everyone notices. people only care when i dont do what they expect, and worse no one but me sees what i do everyday.
work is really stressing me out right now because it seems like too may of my bosses and coworkers want to see me fail. i work so hard and get so much done most of the time. the times i do not however are always exagurated and used aginst me. most days i work my ass off doing what i am supposed to do and cleaning up after others on top of it. of corse no one sees that, only when things are not perfect.
work shit alone i can deal with... if things were only so easy as that. my home life is stressing me out more then ever and i dont know how much more i can take. i love my kids otherwise i would have ran away a long time ago but i know that is not an option. so i try to be strong for myself and those i am responsible for, but trying and failing so hard is only making me feel even worse. its like a downward spirial and im caught in it. all of my friends are quickly proving they are not really my friends. its really sad when you keep things bottled up for so long and when you finally decide to talk to somone... no one will listen. i wish i could say that my wife is my best friend and that i could talk to her... unfortunatly that is not the case. when i try to talk to her she tells me i am a baby and i need to get over myself. is that it? is she right? if i am what she says so weak and pathetic then why do i not see it? i feel like i always do the best i can with the cards that are dealt... thats all anyone can do. myself i know i am not perfect, i dont have any apseration to be a millionare or anything like that. i just want to be me, a man whos family and friends love and respect me for who i am and what i do.
it is clear that is not the case. over the last few years i have lost all my friends and i cant see what happened. mostly i still feel like we are friends... just not ones who you can count on to be there for you. to listen and lean on. that sounds selfish of me i know we are all consumed by our own lives but it seems to me there was a time when i had friends like that. most are still my friends... just not like it should be in my opinion.
the fact that none of my old friends including my wife seem to care or respect me anymore all around the same time only proves... its not them... its me! what went wrong? how did i change without even noticing it? i know that i am not perfect and i have made my mistakes and i tried to move on and leave them in the past. are the mistakes of my past causing me bad karma or something? do i not deserve the friends i once had? do i not deserve my wife? my kids? my house? all the tings i have worked so hard for? do i not deserve to be happy?
what a mess things have turned out to be. i remember a time when i was so confident so honest and trustworthy. i have never had a lot of friends but i remember a time when the friends i had looked up to me in a way. they knew they could count on me and i knew i could count on them in return. what has changed? it has to be me it all happened so suddenly now i am alone i and cant figure out how it all happened.
how can i change into the man i want to be with so many eyes looking at me in a negative way, waiting, expecting me to fail?
the stress of this life is taking a toll on me. on top of everything else... in the last 2 weeks i have hit a deer $500 ins deductable, wrecked the rental car the ins gave me another $500 decuctable, the day i got my car from the shop my turbo goes out for the second time in 6 months $2500 at least and me and my family were stranded 200 miles away from home and i had to barrow money from my sister in law and count on her bf the drive 400 miles out of his way to come get us. all this while my wife is telling me im a baby because i am not taking it all well enough. oh yeah did i mention i still owe the fucking IRS over $1000 from last year!!! my morgage, cars, utilities, and the everyday costs of raising a family are piling up quick. i need to work more and make more money... oh and i need to be at home and spend more time with the kids too!
and all anyone sees is... i drink too much, i did not break down the fucking nutrition pallets, i work too much, i dont make enough money, i play viedo games, i listen to sad music, i listen to stupid fantasy audiobooks because i need to get away from the real world (that one i think of myself), i watch footall on my only day off, and god forbid... i want sex sometimes. not lame quickie shut me up sex... i want good sex i want to be loved and i want to feel it when my wife makes love to me!!! but no all i care about is sex??? like im really that fucking simple!!! i want the connection, i want to feel the passion, the love, the desire.
funny im getting myself pretty worked up right now, its the middle of the night and i am having insomnia, i need to get up for work in another 2 hours if not before. hope i can get at least a little sleep!

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