help me.

2002-02-01, 6:18 p.m.

ok so here i am one day later and still the same stupid thoughts on my mind. what is wrong with me? what good could come of this? danie is good to me, and here i am... willing to risk it all for some girl, some girl i bearly know. i have always been like this, unsure, i dont know what i really want. i think what it is... i like to test my limits. see what im capable of. my life is pretty simple. i never fooled around when i was younger, did not date much. some how i ended up way ahead of my time. i quit school, got a full time job, met a girl, moved out on my own. and before i knew it... there i was 18 and on my own. sure it was great for a while, of corse i did not miss going to school, i had a great girl, a decent and steady job, my own place, a nice car, nice furniture, everything i wanted. it seems that over the years everything in my life, everything i have... has just toned down. and its getting worse. sometimes i wonder if i had stayed in school, tryed harder, worked less and studyed more, gone off to college, and most of all... dated a few more girls... would i be happier now? more complete? now im in the middle of something i cant back away from. and instead of being comtemt im driving myself crazy with what ifs. what ifs are no good, not for me. im going to mention something im not too proud of... over the years of me and danies realationship i have "crushes" one probably hundreds of girls, mostly girls i work with. some more serious then others, and i have always been curious. twice now i have acted on crushes and gone out on a date with two differant women. a long time ago one of the key carriers and i got pretty freindly with eachother and i ended up asking her out. why? i have no fuckin ideal. of corse nothing happened, but that dont mean i dident want it to. anyway she transfered and i got over it. quiet some time has gone buy and now the same sitchuation only to a further degree. im sure this will pass. ill forget about this other girl and me and danie will move on with our lives. but what will happen next time? will i always wonder if im truly complete being with only one woman my entire life? that might sound stupid but my life has gone on. and the years are passing qiuckly, when will it be too late to change things? or will i one day be contempt with that. and is it worth the risk to find out?

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