Closure

2004-08-24, 1:02 a.m.

Well I got my closure today... Martina told me about the guy she has been seeing and that she has spent the night with him(had sex with him). So that�s it for me, that�s all I needed to know now I can move on. It is going to be really hard at first mostly because it�s someone at our work so I not only know Martina is fucking someone else, but I also get to see him everyday! But I�m taking it better then I thought I would mostly because I know I�m better off without her now. Not that I did not know that before but now I feel it, not just know it.

She will never be someone I can ever respect enough to have a good relationship with and It�s clear as ever now. She slept with him on the first date just like she did with me and the 25 guys before me. I�m not saying that is right or wrong I�m just saying I can�t respect a woman that is like that. I cant respect a woman that smokes and gets high. I knew that from the beginning but I always thought that she would be different. I was so wrong to try and pretend she was someone she was not. But some things I just can�t see past and sleeping around is one of them. Again I am not saying its wrong for a girl to sleep around, I�m just saying I can�t be with someone like that. That is how I feel. Before I can love someone I have to respect them. So I have my closure.

When she told me even through all the pain I was feeling I found myself worried about her, worried because she might get hurt. So I found myself being a good friend her about it. Setting my feelings aside and listening and giving good advise even though it was tearing me up inside. I love Martina and I feel better because I was grown up enough to realize that she did nothing wrong. We were broken up and she moved on. Who am I to try and make her feel guilty about it.

Funny it took her sleeping with someone else before I could convince myself it was over. But it�s a good thing for both of us that it happened. We are still going to be friends and I fully intend on being there as a friend only if this guy hurts her. It�s hard because for the last year and a half she was all mine. And to picture her with someone else hurts me but at the same time it helps me move on. I sound like a broken record but even though it hurts so much I�m shaking, and having visions of the two of them that cause the terrible pain that starts at my heart but then I feel it through the rest of my body like a real heavy painful pulse... I CAN HONESTLY SAY THAT I AM OVER MARTINA! And that people... is a damn good thing.

I talked to Danie tonight... she says I should go back to school. That sounds nuts because I have nothing to go to school for. But I could use it to further my education, and pick up chicks. I am officially single now and looking for love. Since Heather rejected me I have no other interests at work witch is a good thing! So I can look elsewhere, like the bars, school, wherever. This is good, I�m in a good place, single in the prime of my life, nice car, bringing home the bacon, and feeling better about myself then I have in a long time. Soon I want to say felling better then I ever have but I still have a few things to tweak before I can say that.

Tomorrow I�m am going to find out about the Martial Arts thing... I�m excited. I�m still planning on getting them tattoos I want. But that might now be till next year. Maybe by then I�ll have the body to feel comfortable too... Yay!

FYI: I finished my lists and I will post them tomorrow. Goodnight.

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