I FUCKING HATE MYSELF

2001-09-23, 1:35 a.m.

i feel like the biggest ass in the world. it dont matter how much i love danie, how much i want her to be happy, and most of all happy with me. i want her to feel like she can tell me things, i want her to know that im behind her. but i alwise react badly. when i read her poems i get hurt becasue they are soooooooooo sad. she writes what she feels. and most of it is sad, real sad. it pains me to read them. and she thinks so badly of me i dont even know why she stays with me. i am a selfish, asshole that thrives on the pain of others. I REALLY HATE MYSELF. i mean it do i really love her?????? we have been together for over 4 years, and the thought of my life without her is unbareable. but the way i treat her gives her, the impression i dont love her. i think she belives i use her for sex. now that i promise IS NOT the case. i may enjoy sex, but if i were to be with a girl just for sex belive me i would be a lot better off with someone else. my feeling for danie are diffrant, i really do care about her, i want to marry her. but that would not be fair to her. she deserves better. i should be bannished off the face of the earth. I HATE FUCKING HATE MYSELF.

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