goodnight fuckers

2003-02-18, 11:02 p.m.

i guess this is the place where i write about how i feel, so i decited to lock it up so no one can read and try and make me feel better. i just want to say how i feel... thats it.

things are not going good for me now, they ahve not been good in a while and im tired of pretending noting is wrong. i always make up excuses to myself to feel better for all the things i do... or dont do. i must say work is going pretty good but thats about it. the rest of my life sucks and i am too lazy to do anything about it. all i do is work and play comp games, i odnt feel like doing anyting else... anything. i pay 80 bucks a month for my martial arts class and i never go. all my bills are late and i have no money. i cant believe that, between me and dane we make so much money and we have nothing to show for it but bad credit, past due bills, and messy shit hole of an apartment that im too fucking lazy to clean.

the wort thing is every time i try and do something it just makes me feel worse. i have been playing basketball with my friend from work and some of his friends. all that dose is discorage me more. i suck at basketball and i keep telling myself i can do better but no matter how hard i try i just keep getting worse. yup worse. since i started playing with danny and his friend i ahve gotten worse and worse every time i play. tonight i palyed the first 2 games and sat out the rest. i could not humiliate myself anymore. i suck and i just need to fess up to it. not just that but im not near as good as i say i am at anything. i suck at raquettball, baseball, i even suck at football even though i tell people im good... i just say that because if people think im better then i am... it makess me feel better. but in the long run it really dont. because like now when i think about it... i know i am just fooling them. the people i work with think i can fight, hehe i dont have the hart to tell em i get my ass kicked by every new guy who has never faught before in his life.

its killing me... im this horribly meidiocour person whos too damn lazy to get better at anything. i hate my lie life right now, i can think of so many things i can do to make it better... but i really dont want to. i dont want to do anything. anything but die!

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