Please make it stop!

2004-04-12, 7:53 p.m.

I am going to write a sad entry because right now that is how I feel. Very sad, lonely, and rejected. I can�t have the one I want, and I don�t want the one I can have. I am unmotivated, careless, and lazy. I�m behind on all my bills, I�m not taking care of myself, eating badly, not drinking enough water and way too much pop. I need to go to the dentist to get a crown, more fillings, and my wisdom teeth pulled. And not only can I not afford it... but I don�t want to. I guess I don�t care enough.

I have all these things going on and I am all alone. Now it�s all coming crashing down on me. I�m not sure I can take it anymore. I sound week but that�s because I am. I feel like giving up. Right now I want to file for bankruptcy, step down from my position as grocery manager and move into an even darker deeper more depressing apartment to live in all by myself and close myself out from everyone. People hurt me and they don�t even realize it. Things they say, do, or things they don�t do. And it�s not even their fault, I�m dependant on them, I need to cling to them, and they don�t even know it. They just blow me off because to them it�s no big deal. But to me it�s huge. I have been really strong lately, not even realizing how bad things are. But I�m coming apart now, and I am the only one who sees it.

I have not been sleeping well, and even when I do sleep, I can�t wake up on time. I have been late for work every day the last few weeks. I�m slacking on my job. I can�t even do my job good anymore. I don�t feel like trying, just don�t want to. What�s the point... I cant pay my bills anyway. I�m buried and I can�t ask for help because everyone thinks I�m the strong one. They come to me for help, how can I go to them.

The only person I have opened up to lately is Heather, and see how that worked out for me. I told her I liked her a lot more then a friend and I got a whole lot of nothing in return. No response at all. And now she is just pretending that it never happened. And she expects me to do the same. Today she was telling me how her X wants to get back with her but she don�t have feelings like that for him. All I said was �I know how he feels� and she seemed to get irradiated and change the subject. All I want is to talk about it. Am I supposed to just ignore it? I want to be friends with her, but I wonder if I can. I think I am falling in love with her. And that�s so weird because I don�t do that. I thought it would take both of us being on the same level, and that�s definitely not the case.

That�s not all. Heather is not the only one rejecting me... all women are. They wont even talk to me. The only one who will is Martina, and that�s over. I know it would never work out, I can�t love her, I just can�t. To me... there is nothing there. We have great sex... so what? We can�s stand each other In every other way.

What I�m saying is... something better happen soon because I can�t go on like this. It�s killing me. It took me a bit to realize it but I need something to change... now!

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