Who I am.

2002-03-28, 10:05 p.m.

This sucks… me and Danie are fighting again because she thinks I am trying to replace her all the time. Everything I do gets twisted into this big plot to destroy her. I am tired of it. I am tired of how she thinks everything I do is in some way to hurt her. I admit Megan is cute… so fucking what! What dose that have to do with Danie?

I’m sorry I know I am the real jerk here but everyday I have to hold back what I feel so people wont hate me. Why would people hate someone just because of the way they feel? It is not my choice to be attracted to girls. I am not doing anything about it because I am in a committed relationship. Is that not enough? I am sorry I am girl crazy! What do you want me to do about it?

I am trying so hard not to be attracted to Jessica, I really am. But guess what??? She is gorgeous and there is absolutely no fucking way for me not to be attracted to her. But guess what??? I am not fucking her am I? I am not doing anything that I should not be doing… so what is the big fucking deal?

Am I an asshole because I am infatuated with another girl while being in a committed relationship? Then shoot me! If I am wrong by trying to change and not acting on what I feel… then what am I doing wasting my precious time? I could be out dating beautiful girls every day right? I could act on all my infatuations right?

But I am not… and if she expects me to be this perfect person and never hurt her, never have a crush on another woman… then I am afraid I will never be able to live up to those standards, I will always disappoint her. And if that’s the case… why even try?

If she can’t learn to except me for who I am… then I am just going to give up. Because I am never going to be the kind guy who looks at beautiful women and doesn’t think… “man would I like to wax dat ass!” hehe I’m sure I could have worded that better but… whatever. My point is… it’s one thing to think it… and it’s another to actually do it! If you want to call me a hypocrite because less then 2 months ago I was lip locked with another girl... fine… but just remember I admitted to making a mistake under confusion and Danie chose to forgive me for it.

I just want to be able to feel the way I feel without feeling guilty for it all the time… Is that so much to ask??? That is a question!

Thanks diaryland =) …Mike



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