-2002-12-15, 2:02 a.m.i should so be sleeping right now. not typing an entry in my very little used diary... but im here because i have something to say. i think i just figured out that my depression has nothing to do with how my lifes going at all. sometimes things are going great and i feel like a failuer. sometimes things are shitty and i am the most optimistic overzelous person on the planet. i think that my state of depression and my self esteem are based on the time of year. i know that sounds nutz but i have been feeling badly unmotivated for some time now. when i think back it started around the time it started getting cold. and if you go back in the archives of my dialry... last winter was my last real depression. then summer came and i was feeling fantastic, going to the gym, martial arts, basketball, everything.the worst thing is right now i cant force myself to do anyhting besides work, sleep, and play computer games. i have not even been in the mood for sex latley. i keep telling myself i need to start up my martial arts and going to the gym on a regular basis but evey day i paln on it i just put it off tell its too late. every fucking time! i am a lazy unmotivated sack of shit. and i hate my empty life right now. all the things i want to do and should do... i cant find the motivation to get off my fucking ass and DO IT! it really sucks when you know whats fucking up your life and your too lazy to fix it. even though you know exactly how to. its sad and pathetic and its killing me right now. i actualy did something today i went to a hockey game. yup i got some tickets given to me and i begged a few old pals to free up there schedules at the last minute and we wen to the game. that was fun. unfortionitly i was supposed to be back to work right after t he game and i had been up since last night. no way could i make im just too tired so i went in just to write my order and i left. im planning on going to sleep for a few hours and heading back to finnishe all the rest of my fucking shit in the morning. when i went in to do my order i got into a little conversation with one of the CSM's i have a bit of a crush on and i realized i really like her. i dont mean i want to fuck her i mean i like her so much as a friend out of total honest respect i dont even want her in that way anymore. its weird but i really trust her i find myself opening up to her and i think that might be just waht i need right now. someone just to listen for a while. its strange but i really want to ask her if we can talk, just talk. but im embarressed and i dont know if ill be able to ask. well id better goet off to bed i have maybe 2 hours before i need to be up fir work... AGAIN! |