An unforbidden love

2004-03-30, 2:45 p.m.

Its been a long time since I updated. but I miss diaryland and I have something on my mind that�s not worth talking about. its one of those write it down and hope no one you know reads it things.

ever since I was 16 I have had serious girlfriends. I was with Danie for 6 � years. I realized why that did not work. it was because I was not trying hard enough. the reason I was not trying was because it did not mean enough to me to try. I hate saying that because I love Danie even still... but that�s the truth, I realize that now. and three months after we broke up I stated seeing Martina and I pretty much just picked up where I left off with Danie. and I really did not change much. ultimately... a year later the same results. I care about her but I am not willing to revolve my life around her like she wants me to... or wanted me too, I should say.

in my life I have had 2 serious girlfriends and I don�t think I realized this till recently. I was not happy with them. sure they were great to me in so many ways, and I wasent so bad at time either. but I need to meet someone who makes me want to give it my all. the relationship will be 10 times better.

so anyhow... about 3-4 months ago when Martina and I were having problems and I had no one to talk to about them. I started talking to this girl at work named heather. I always thought she was cute but really nothing more at the time. but we started talking and my feelings quickly changed. once I got to know her I fell head over heals for her... but she don�t know that. it was complected at first because I was seeing Martina and I usually talked about our problems with heather. and it hurt me like hell but heather and I established that we were just friends, nothing more.

we talked and occasionally hung out for the last couple months of me and Martina relationship. and as soon as me and Martina broke up. it all ended. I tried talking to her at first but it just seemed weird. like she was annoyed my be. so I stopped. then one day out of the blue she asks me... "so when are we gonna hang out again?" so I figured we were ok and I invited her to a movie. she said ok until like 3 hours before then move she called and said she could not go. since then I have tried talking to her, at work, on the phone... but we seemed to be back in that weird mode again. im hurt so I back off... maybe to make myself feel better with time.

so then just last week im out to the bar with my friend Justin and I run into her at the bar. she is there with her friends and she is pretty drunk. she was very friendly and kinda all over me. just very touchy. we talked off and on all night. then when me and Justin were leaving, we were outside waiting for a cap back to Justin�s apt. so I could get my car and her and her friend come out and ask up for a ride. we took the cab to Justin�s and then I gave her and her friend a ride home. then I went to home and went to bed. the next morning she calls to thank me for the ride. whatever.

so I have been trying so hard not to call her. I want to but I don�t. its odd, and new to me. but for some crazy stupid reason I called her last night. it was one of those where as the phone was ringing I was hoping she did not answer. but she did. then she said she would call me back and then never did. this is why I did not want to call her in the first place. I hate feeling rejected, and pesty.

but on the other hand... I want more then anything for something to happen between us. its more then just wanting to have sex, im a guy that�s what I should want. but I don�t. I want us to fall in love. I want her to be my girlfriend and maybe more. im crazy about her, and I know she don�t feel the same. and it sucks.

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