i just don't care anymore.

2004-04-18, 10:01 p.m.

Well Iím back from my not going anywhere. I was going to leave but my phone kept ringing so I shut it off. It was Martina and I did not want to talk to her. Then my home phone started ringing, so I unplugged it. Then a knock at my door. Holly crap. She was beating down my door, then trying to open my patio door from the outside. So I decided to let her in. She wanted to tell me how sorry she was and to try and make things ok. So we talked and yes I was still mad, and hurt but I did feel a little bit better. And I know how much I need the money so I could not miss work. So I stayed, I still got my Mike time but I did it at home instead of running off to do it.

Ok so this is what happened...

On Friday I was bored out of my mind so I went into work. I was supposed to be off but severe boredom makes you do some crazy shit. So off to work I went. Martina was there and we talked a little and then I got busy. About 4:45 or so Heather came up to me and asked if I wanted take a break with her. I went to find Martina and I could not so I figured she left. I thought it was weird because she always say bye. So me and Heather got hot pockets and headed to the break room and there is Martina... pissed as hell at me because I did not invite her. So she left mad at me. I called her a little bit later and we got into a fight on the phone and I hung up on her. I was still at work a few hours later Kent one of the key carriers came up and asked me why Martina was calling the store asking for Brianís phone number. Brian is the dairy guy and a good friend of mine... or at least I thought he was. So I tried to call Martian back, she would not talk to me, and then she shut off her phone. So I left a nasty message, then I called Brianís phone. And the mother fucker shut his off. At first I thought they were together. Was just assuming but I had a pretty good idea.

I was so pissed, hurt, and betrayed. Neither of them would talk to me. Finally Martina calls me back. I asked her why she did not want me to know she was calling Brian. I said ďif you wanted Brianís number why didnít you call me and ask, did you not want me to know?Ē she asked me how I knew about that. So I asked again. Then she asks... ďdo you really want to know?Ē and yes I did. It turns out my friend Brian who know everything about Martina and I, including that she might be pregnant and I was thinking about getting back with her. Had fixed her up with a friend of his that night. Yeah thatís what I said my ďfriendĒ fixed my off and on girlfriend with his friend. What a prick. Who would do that? Obviously someone going to the eighth level of hell after I kill him. And that asshole aside... What kind of girl shows up at my doorstep begging me to take her back 2 hours after a date with my friends friend?

This is all to confusing to me. One minute I donít care about her, and the next Iím jealous as hell she is letting my friend hook her up. I donít want to be with her. I know who I want... But I cant have her. I want Heather but I have accepted the fact that she donít feel the same. So I found myself thinking about taking back Martina. Until the other night. Now I donít know what to do. God I hope she is not pregnant, I donít want to be with her. But if she is I might just have to.

On a lighter note... I was sitting at home bored today so I went to the store to hang out with Heather because I knew she would be there. After she got off we went to this really good Thai restaurant. She insisted on buying because last time I bought. I guess thatís her way of making it... ďnot a dateĒ but it was fun, we had good talk. She melted me some more with her adorableness, and then she drove me back to my car. Damn do I with that girl had feeling for me. I would be so good to her. But since she donít Iím forcing myself to be ďjust a friendĒ and Iím getting pretty good at it. Practice makes perfect right???

*sighs* I need more practice. That girl has me like I have never been had before. No offence Danie I still love you and I always will.