This is me.2004-05-14, 2:47 a.m.I am doing pretty good I think. A few slip ups though. The first one was, well Martina and I got back together. We have been doing good and working things out. I gave up on the Heather thing. My other slip up was... I called her last night. I don�t even know why, I did not even know what I was going to say. Luckily for me she did not answer. I think she called back late last night but I�m not too sure. I did not recognized the number but not too many people call me. I swear like 99% of the calls I get are from Martina. She loves me, she wants me, and like I said I gave up on the Heather thing so I figured what the hell. Call it settling that�s fine by me because I�m feeling alright about it... for now.But as far as everything else goes I�m right on track. I�m moving back home with my parents so I can have almost $3,000 a month to spend on just bills. Yes it sucks living at home but my family rocks so I think I can deal for a 6 months or so. I can have my car payed off by the end of the year. And I�m joining the gym with my little brother after I get moved in. And I also plan on heading up to Walt Bayless so I can start training again. I have been trying to hang out at the pool so I can get nice tan. Though that would be much easier if it would stop raining. That�s all physical stuff and as for the mental stuff. Well I�m not sure how getting back with Martina is going to help I know I said I was not going to but as of lately we have spent quiet possibly the best time of our entire relationship together the last week or so. I guess time will tell on that one. On the other side of that I have not talked to Heather in a while and I feel so much better. Even though part of me wants to, I know in the end I�ll get hurt again. I know I screwed up calling her yesterday but it�s kind of like quitting smoking... your bound to have a few slip up�s right? I know I still have feelings for her but it�s time to just let them go, right now I have someone who is crazy about me and I need that right now. Not an endless pursuit for someone who don�t give a fuck about me. And I also got a hold of a theorist to help me with my issues. I think I have identified the major ones myself now I hope he can help me. Low self esteem, jealousy, anger, and slight depression. I meet with him on Tuesday. Guess well see how it goes. And as for disowning my friends... well that has not been too difficult I just ignore them and they never talk to me so it that simple. Miah my best friend for like the last 8-9 years has been blowing me off real bad lately. I know he has been real busy working, going to school, and all his other interests that don�t include me, so I guess I could let him slide. But the little things are bugging me. Last Saturday we were supposed to hang out and he never called me. He called Sunday morning to tell me he was sorry, and that he was leaving the state for some business and that hell be back in a week. Before he could say bye he got a �important� call on the other line but he would call me right back... and he never did. Dammit people quit blowing me off PLEASE! But that�s ok like I said I�m feeling pretty good right now I know I�m headed in the right direction. I have also been making some good goals for myself. The most exciting one is getting my car payed off quick so I can buy a bullet bike. It may not seem like it but that�s so me. And I am tired of working so hard and never doing anything I want to. My mom was so worried when I told her, my dad just laughed. Everyone else keeps trying to talk me out of it but I really wish they would stop. People this is me! This is what I want to do! So I figure my birthday next February I�ll be riding a new bike... well maybe not in February you know the snow and the freezing temperatures, but what I�m saying is I�ll be able to afford it then. And I so deserve it. |