Trying to fucking hard?

2004-05-05, 10:30 p.m.

I had kind of a breakthrough day today, I realized three very big things. It was one of those deep thought breakthroughs.

First off after work today I hung out with my little brother Justin he�ll be turning 20 in a few weeks. Sometimes I�m pretty jealous of him, because he is better looking and tends to attract girls. He gets hit on all the time, right there in front of me. He gets girls and he don�t even try. We went to the pool at my apartments, I was all self conscious about my pale skinny body and Justin takes off his shirt with confidence knowing he looks good. We are at the pool surrounded by beautiful tan women and Justin keeps telling me �watch that girl, she is checking me out� so I would... and sure enough she was. And so was the next one. And it�s nothing to him. If I got checked out all the time it would be nothing to me either. He talks about himself with so much confidence. So there I was envious of my little brother when I realized... We are not that much different him and I. So he has a tan and bigger muscles. How did he get them? He worked for them that�s how. And the confidence comes from that, and telling himself good things about himself. How can I... one who works for nothing but money that I get screwed out of anyway expect anything that he has? I have not worked for it.

So the first thing I realized was that I need to get my ass in gear. Hitting the gym, the pool or even the tanning bed. Change my hair a little. I had a friend the other day tell me I would look good if I had my tips bleached. I never even considered it until today. Buy some nice cloths and... I guess try harder. It sounds silly but I know I would feel better if I had more confidence if I believe I look good. And I think that could change the way I feel about myself in a good way. It might just change my life and get me out of this rut.

The second thin I realized was. I spend way too much time inside my dark depressing apartment doing nothing. I need to get out and have fun, feel good, and most of all... make new friends because the ones I have SUCK! And I think it�s my fault because I try so hard that they think it�s ok to walk all over me. Well not anymore! Sorry to be so blunt but fuck you all! If you wanted to be my friend you would not stand me up when we make plans, stop expecting me to call you all the time, actually invite me to do something instead of expecting me to make all the plans. The even the silly shit like getting pissed off and calling me a �stupid ass� because I referred to a stupid band in the wrong genre. (how fucking petty can you be?) And last but not least... NEVER hook my X girlfriend up with your fucking buddies. Not to mention actually going out with my friends buddies. Listen mother fucker�s I have always been a good friend, you know I would do anything for you. Why is it I am so easily blown off, pushed aside, forgotten about, and last but not least...FUCKED OVER? From now on it�s fuck you... not me! I will meet new friends and leave all of you in my dust where you belong.

And the last thing I realized... After Justin went home I went over to Martina�s house for dinner. We had a good meal and spent some good time together. She loves me so much. And I hurt her all the time. Without trying I mean. She wants me to feel the same way about her that she does about me. She can see that I do not, and it tears her up. I don�t think I will ever have those feeling for her. It�s sad because I wish I did, but I know that�s not the way shit works. I like to be around her sometimes because I�m lonely and she pays attention to me. But that�s not fair of me I know. I can no longer drag her around. She is waiting for something to come of it... and it never will. It would be cruel for me to keep this up. If I break it off for good, she can meet some news guys. Experience a little and soon enough find the right one, the one who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. Just like Danie did. It took Danie almost seven years to figure out I was not the one... who am I to take someone else down that same road? It just not right, I can�t do it anymore.

And as for me, I need to find someone who I fall madly in love with, treat like a princess, and want to spend the rest of my life with. And I know I will not find that by dragging around women I don�t love. And definitely not by waiting for a girl who feels nothing for me, treats me like shit, and ignores me. I know I try too hard. It�s time I just sit back and live. Have fun, meet people, become more confident. And it will just happen. No trying involved... and it will just happen I know it.

So to wrap things up let me just say again... Nice looking body and self confidence here I come. And bye, bye to my lame ass old friends, and to Martina, and especially to Heather. Hello to new friends... and lovers.

I feel very good about this entry, this is only the beginning...

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