I love women... I hate women.

2004-08-22, 11:09 p.m.

The first time in almost a year someone besides Zania left me a note. Apparently she liked my greenness. I love green its my favorite color.

Today was one of the most uneventful days of my entire life. I slept in till noon woke up took a piss and started playing Madden 05. I did not even leave my room around 6pm. Other then peanuts I ate nothing until my dad brought home pizza... I took a few slices back to my room and watched Underworld for like the 20th time. I love that movie. Now I am listening to music updating my diary and trying to finish this list �30 positive things about me� im on #25 but I�m running out things to list. I�ll post my list when I�m finished. I also started another list �30 things I love� that one I�m having fun with. Funny how 90% of that list is about women and I�m a lonely, lovesick, and single man at the peak of my life wasting it away feeling sorry for myself huh?

I think the sole reason for my depression is loneliness. Not that I don�t have a handful of really close friends and family just a phone call or a bedroom away, but that�s not what I�m talking about. I just don�t feel right if I�m not with someone. My personality requires me to have a girlfriend at all times. Now that I know I have lost Martina for good I find myself in the same place I was in when Danie left me. All by myself and desperate as hell. I know I fucked up rushing into shit when I met Martina. I used her to feel the void of losing Danie. Now that I�ve lost Martina I find myself looking for it all over again. I need some self control, I have to do it right this time. The last thing I need is another long drawn out relationship that is going absolutely nowhere.

I know I want to meet someone but I know the harder I look the less likely I am to find someone. That�s just the way it goes isn�t it? So I must find other things to occupy my time and keep my mind off girls. If you were me you would know how difficult that is going to be. If I can get off work early tomorrow I�m going to head up to Walt Bayless and talk to Griff about getting back into Martial Arts. I was thinking about doing kick boxing this time. I want to get a gym membership but I�m too damn cheep so I think I�m just going to get some dumbbells and find a good home workout plan. And me and my little brother are going to try and get a football game together once a week. That would be fun.

I figured out the chest pains I have been having are stress related. I think its anxiety. A guy at work told me your chest muscles will build up pressure and hold it causing chest pains. It makes sense because I have been so stressed over this Martina thing. The pain, the sleepless nights, the tears. But I feel better now, stronger. Like the saying goes �once you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere to go but up�.

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