HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR MIKE!!!

2004-12-31, 7:36 p.m.

I have been in such a slump for the last month or so� I don�t know what�s going on with me. I�m just not happy and I don�t feel like I have any real friends to talk to. Heather and I have stopped talking all together, I hardly talk to my best friend Miah anymore and when I do all we talk about is stupid shit. Martina is my best and possibly only friend. And we are not doing well right now. I think its because I am not in a happy place with myself and its affecting our relationship. It�s hard to make someone else happy if you cant make yourself happy right!
What is wrong with me? I�m slacking off at work, coming in late, leaving early, missing orders. I just don�t feel any fire or passion right now. I feel like all I want to do is sit around playing Madden Football all day. My apartment is a mess, my car is a mess, I have not been paying my bills but wasting my money on shit I can�t even explain. I am just plain old unhappy. I love Martina so much but I am acting so careless about our relationship right now. We have been having sex without birth control and I know damn well neither of us are ready to have a baby. Why? I don�t know just being lazy and careless I guess. I want things between us to be good I really do. I want to forget about the past but I cant. Will I ever be able to trust her?
Tonight is new years eve and we had plans to hang out with some friends. But my load schedule got changed at work so I have a load tonight so I need to work a graveyard. I was going to hang out with Martina and our friends for a few ours and celebrate the new year then go to work. But I�m so stressed out about work I don�t even want to go anymore. And one of our best friends Carla decided to blow us off for some guy. We have had plans for over two weeks and a few hours before we are supposed to meet up with her she tells us she is not going to be there.
I did not bother me as much as it did Martina mostly because I did not really want to go in the first place. So now I don�t want to do anything� between work, getting fucked aver by friends, and just over all feeling like shit. I just want to sleep until I have to go to work. But I want Martina to have a good new years eve. I really do but the problem goes back to can I trust her? She says she will just go out by herself so I can sleep. But I am afraid of that for two reasons. I will not lie� I am afraid of her going out without me because she has been unfaithful in the past. So yes I am jealous. And the other reason� and I�m not proud of it but I think I don�t like the idea of her having fun without me. I know that sounds bad but it�s how I feel and this is my fucking diary and I should not be afraid to speak the truth.
So right now I am sitting here on the Internet feeling sorry for myself, Martina is on the couch watching TV being pissed off at me, and I should be to work in 2 or 3 hours but I am dreading it like the dentist. So how can this night turn out good? My choices are� not sleeping at all before work and going out to watch a bunch of drunk people have fun while I sit there wishing I was in bed and that I should be at work right now. Then going to work all night with no sleep when I don�t want to be there in the first place. Or I can try to sleep and let Martina go out and have fun while I sit here wondering if she is hooking up with some guy. If I�m lucky I might fall asleep, wake up late for work then go to work wondering if my girlfriend is fucking the shit out of some other guy all night.
HAPPY FUCKING NEW YEAR MIKE!!!


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