HELP!!!

2005-12-21, 7:29 p.m.

I do this thinkg where I lie to myself and sometimes even to other people. I try and convince myself that that some girl I just met at the bar, or came through my checkout lane at work was hitting on me. It's pathetic really because all they have to do is be nice to me and I will twist it into something else to make myself feel better. How sad is that? Or even someone I work with. In referance to that married girl I mentioned a few entries back, she thinks of me as a friend... nothing more. I don't even want her but I want her to want me so bad that I lie to myself, and somehow I actualy convince myself.
Why do I do this??? The answer is low self esteem! I know that, I have always known that. I think that I might need some help. There is more wrong with me then I can help myself with.
I like to think... and I even tell mtself sometimes that I have changed, and that I have grown up. That is not the case. Danie is right I probably "will never get to enjoy the way two people complement each other." Because I need help and I am afraid to ask for it. I think that I am a good person inside, but ugly on the outside. And I don't mean physically! I mean the way I portray myself to others. That explains why I don't have many friends, and why the ones I do have, have such a low opnion of me.
And as much as I like to think that has gotten better... the truth is it has not. I have taken up drinking as a way to make myself feel better. How bad is that. It's just like drugs. I always told myself it was OK for me to drink because it never affected my life. Well it is now. Last friday was the store christmas party and in front of all my co-workers I got totaly shit faced and made a huge ass out of myself. You should hear thay way they are talking about me. A bunch of people from the store pitched in and got me a $60 gift card to a nice resterant up here, and they all signed a card with my picture on it. When they called me up there to collect it on front of everyone I was so drunk I did not even say thank you. I just took it and sat down... more like fell down. I was hitting on my friends, and aperantly the weighter also... in front of Martini. Why? I don't know... because I'm a jerk.
I have decited to slow down on the drinking because I see it's only getting worse. And if slowing down is not enough... I will quit if I have to. I don't want to be an alchoholic, I will not allow it to come to that.
My frind just come over so I must go now... I'll finnish later.

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