My Mom calls it... "talking to the trees."

2005-12-25, 8:25 p.m.

We all have our things, things that we like, and things that we dont. One of my big donts is... drugs. They always have been. And not because they are morally wrong, I myself do plenty of things that are morally wrong. I hate drugs for a reason that I can't even explain. All I know is that I dont like them. I think less of people who do drugs, clearly stated I have a lower opinion of those who choose to do drugs. That is how I feel and that is my choice.
I have been trying so hard to accept my life and the decition I have made. One of my biggest desitions is my girlfriend. She loves me, she thinks highly of me, and would do anything for me. Her devotions (as far as I know) and to me and to me alone. Mine on the other hand... well I tend to keep my options "open" so to speek. Because I have never been with someone who makes me feel that excited feeling you feel when you are with someone you really like. There is the anxciousness, the excitment, the butterflys, and the fear that she does not feel the same. I have had it before, just not with the ones who feel that way about me. I long for that feeling, and even more so I long for the day when the one I have thoose feeling for... has them for me.
I have never had those feeling for Martini, yet I am still with her. For over 2 years I have been with her, and through some pretty fucked up shit too. Does that make me kruel? Am I a bad person beacuse of this? I have not cheeted on her, and I dont plan too. But because of this am I going to miss my oppertunity to have "that feeling"? And who is to say that if I do find someone like that and she feels the same... that its going to be any differant. Maybe ill find her and after a few months I am back in the same boat that I am in now. The one I have been in my entire life. Then I will have lost a great girl who really loves me, for... nothing.
I have gotten off my point, see I like to think that I am a logical thinker, I am not irrational. I think that is why I am still with her, and why I have even considered marrying her. I do love her, we get along great, my family and friends like and even love her. So why not? My delima is this... I have been trying very hard to accept my decition to be with her, and give up on the dream of finding that firey romance. But right now, right this minute, as I am writing this entry she is in the next room getting high. Did I mention what a turnoff that is? And I wonder if I can ever be with someone who I cant respect. And how in the world can I respect someone who does things I think so little of. I think little of her because of theese choices. But they are her choices so I allow her to make them. She knows how I feel about it so for the longest time she did it behind my back. And I was nieve so I had no idea. Then when I found out I felt betrayed, I asked myself if she could lie to me about this then what else could she be lying to me about? Has she really changed or is she still the same lying deciving girl she was when I met her? It feels differant... she has grown up and I feel like I can trust her. Or has she just gotten better at lying? So we talked about it... the smoking weed thing. I told her how I felt and she told me how she felt. I told her It was her choice to make and if thats what she wanted to do then do it. But just know that when you do I will loose respect for you. Respect that is hard to earn. Knowing this she is still in the next room toking it up this very moment.
Why does my life have to be so confusing???

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