Feeling a little depressed.

2002-03-15, 9:12 p.m.

I am just waiting for my food to finish cooking so I can eat and go to bed. Must eat and get good sleep, those are too of my new goals. I am not quiet finished yet but as soon as I am I will post them on my diary so you can all see how silly I am. (if you don�t already know.)

As my productive day winds down I sit home all alone and wish Danie was here with me. Or someone I just cant stand being alone sometimes. Some days I enjoy the privacy and quietness of being home alone and other I feel like I will go crazy without human contact. Like now. I have tried to call about everyone I know but they are either not home or there avoiding me. I am leaning toward avoiding me. I keep checking my email hoping someone sent me an email but� nothing.

Hopefully when I get started on my new life and am working towards my goals I will have more productive things to do, so instead of being avoided. Ill be the one avoiding. You know� sorry I cant hang out with you or even answer my phone because I am at fencing class. Or I cant hang out with you because I am hanging out with my cooler friends instead of you. I get that one a lot.

I just wish I was the one that was too busy or too cool for my friends, not the one that they all avoid because I am so boring that they cant even stand talking to me. The more I think about how much strength it would take me to become who I want to become (if its even possible) the more I want to just give up, give up on everything. Work, my relationship, my so called friends, my life. I guess I expect too much out of myself and the reality set in and I get discouraged.

You know in my life the only one I have(besides immediate family) that is loyal and really cares about me� is Danie. And I know I take her for granted sometimes. No matter what happens to me, she will always be there for me. I am crying right now because this is so true. She is really the only one in my life I can always count on. I find myself looking elsewhere. Trying to get attention, wanting people to like me, all I get is an ocational pity and every now and then someone will claim to be my friend. But Danie is my real only true friend� god help me not fuck it up.

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