a hard lesson in life.2003-07-19, 4:01 p.m.i should have known she was reading my diary, danie i mean. she called me at work today to bitch at me about that last entry. what i cant speek my mind? im not allowed to say how i feel in my own diary? you know what... fuck it. since she left me she has only become more immature, and i feel i have become more mature. the fact that after we made the agreement not to read eachothers diary and i am the only one to actualy stick with it. she is the onle reading my diary. and all i have to say is good thing about her. (exept last night) why??? because i dont spend my life thinking about all her negetive qualities. believe it or not... shes not perfect by no means. but i tend to remember the reasons why i love her. she always remembers the bad before the good.when she speeks of me destroying her dream of becoming an actress... she thinks that because i was not willing to fork up hundreds of bucks so she could pay some "talent agency" with 5000 other people who have no idea how to act. they are a scam! tell me one celebraty who came from one of those "talent agencies" you cant... why??? because they are a money scam. they feed off people like her, thats there business. so really i was helping her. in doing so i shattered her dreams. whatever. when she says i was abusive... well today when i asked to give me an incident in witch i hit her... she could not think of one. because it never happened. but i can think of times she hit me. dose that count as abuse? or since im a guy its ok hit me right? how about the times she asked me to hit her when we were fighting and when i did not... she would hit herself until i would stop her. i never hit her. but if it makes her feel better to tell herself and diaryland that then ok great more power to ya. i will admit to saying terrible things to her when i was angry. things i did not mean but i said to hurt her. so yes i was verbally abusive. but did she mention so was she??? doubt it. no i dont think that makes it alright, if i had it to do over again i would treat her like a queen. because i do love her... i always will. i dont think i can ever love anyone as much as i love her, i feel ruined. so yes knowing what i know now, being more mature and grown up, and expirenced i would change everything. i would not loose her... but its too late for that i know. its a lesson learned in life, a lesson as hard as they get. i have acted and made is so we can never be together... i know that. but i was not alone. we destroyed our realationship together, no matter how bad she wants to pawn it all off on me... the fact remaines... it takes two. it took almost 7 years to damage things so bad they can never be repaired. but i think we both learned alot. and part of me wants to hope that she regrets leaving me in the future, that her man turns out to be an even bigger jerk then i was. but ultamatly that would be me hoping for her to be unhappy... and of corse i dont want that. she dont deserve that. so im glad she has found a nice guy who treats her the way she deserves to be treated. and i hope she can find happieness on her own and some day get married and start a family. i really do. i know that sounds real cheasy but fuck i dont care. and as for me... well like i said i learned alot...ALOT! and next time things will be differant. besides i dont think i was ever ready to settle down anyhow, im just way to damn girl crazy. gimmie a few years and someone as special as danie comes along... i will not make the same mistake twice. |