I can't take this anymore... just kill me please.,Well that was weird and... left me feeling kinda empty, and shitty inside. I had my little movie date with Heather. She came over watch to �The Texas chainsaw massacre�. She loves it and wanted me to see it. Im not much of a scary movie guy because I am one of those �don�t run upstairs, grab the chainsaw and kill the mother fucker with it� kind of guys. And for whatever reason they never do that... I just don�t get it. Anyhow that�s not the point. The point is... well I guess the time spent was just as expected, and just as much of a disappointment. First she showed up late (I was wondering if she was going to show up at all) then it was right to the movie. And as soon as the movie was done she was like �well I gotta go see you later� I know it�s not fair of me I�m just lonely and totally crunching on her. I�m not stupid I can tell she just wants us to be friends and thinks I�m overly clingy. An I am, I admit it.And hell I don�t know why I like her so much. We have nothing in common. Especially not movies. And she hates vampires! How can I think so much of someone who hates something I love. And how on earth could anyone hate vampires? Well I know those are just minor things and not to be made a deal of. But even other things... we are just so different. And I get the impression she don�t think much of my feminine qualities. She laughs when I talk about Buffy (my personal hero) and my little Lizzie Maguire fetish, and she gave me a weird look when she saw my Sponge Bob pj�s. But something about that woman makes me crazy. Sitting next to her on the couch and not being able to hold her was killing me. My heart was racing the entire time. And I�m sorry but it had nothing to do with that silly wanna be scary movie. It was all me looking over at her and wanting so much to lean over and give her a little kiss. Just a little one. And for her to look up and me and smile, feeling completely comfortable and... well not wanting to leave that�s for sure. I know I set myself up for this bullshit. And it hurts, it hurts so bad I cant even explain it. She is all I can think about and that makes me feel worse... because I know... I know. I know the best thing for me to do is shut myself out. Stay away from her. It�s better that way. Whenever I see her I just want more, and I cant keep going on like this. It�s too painful. I know it will be difficult but in the long run... I need to... I need to get over it. It�s not going to happen and I know it. There is no sense in dragging on my misery. And I also decided to tell Martina that I�m not going to be her booty call anymore. I�m not just a piece of ass. Today was the last straw, now I know she is trying to hurt me. And she knows how to. I have my morals and I don�t stray from them. Marijuana is a huge turnoff to me and I can�t care for someone who insists on getting high to make themselfs feel better TEMPERATELY. I�m hurting too and you don�t see me out getting high. Or trying to sneak into bar underage. Though I don�t have to sneak in that�s not the point. She knows I don�t want to hear about her getting high. And so what does she do? At work today everything is going fine, I bought her breakfast, she was helping me with my specialty load, then she just has to tell me about how she has been getting high to deal with the pain of me not being around. Just like the other day when she just had to tell me about how her and Jimmy spent all night trying to get her into a bar. Man... how am I supposed to feel about that? How am I supposed to react? What I need to do is not care anymore. I hate seeing her go down that road again. Where she was when we first met. But she says it�s really none of my business anymore. And she is right... it�s not. I just don�t see why she needed to tell me about it. Then she spends the rest of the day acting all mad at me, like I did something wrong. She knows me, she knows how I feel about that, and she is the one who decided to tell me. Believe me I wish she never had, I wish I did not have to know. |