i guess i deserve it

2004-09-26, 9:45 p.m.

well i guess its time for my once in a blue moon update. its been so long since i updated that i have not had a chance to write about everything that has been going on in my life. its been so crazy.
fisrt off me and martina got back together and things where going so great until about 20 minutes ago when she called me and to me "i ant do this anymore. its not you its me." she has broken up with me many times before but never has she broken up with me and not blamed it on me. its usualy because something i did.
we started seeing eachother again and things were going so good that we decited to try again to make it work. and for the first time i took it so seriously and i was all about becoming a better man, and being to person she wanted me to be. and i was i was doing everything right. opening doors, buying flowers, treating her the way she wanted me too all along. things ahve been so great we even started telling eachother i love you again.
the real sad thing about that is... only one of us ment it, and that one of us was me. i remember the first year we were together so was so into me. and i did not really care. she wanted everything with me and i did not know what i wanted. funny how the tables have turned now huh?
she told me she has not loved me since she moved out of my apartment, and that she has been lieing to herself since then. i guess that means she has been lieing to me too.
her and i went to a party last night and had a great time. we got back to her place and crashed in her bed. we slept in and then we made breakfast. only it was more like lunch because it was around noon. then we went bowling, then we came back to my place to watch a movie. we cuddled up on my love sac and watched "what women want" we ate dinner with my family, i walked her out to her car, gave her a big hug, a kiss, told her i loved her and to drive safe. she told me she loved me and she would talk to me tomorrow.
so at this point im feeling pretty good about things and us... until about 20 minutes later my phone rings... its her. she is crying and telling me that she cant be with me anymore. she said i have been everything she wanted me to be lately. then she told me that she dont know why but she just dont have those kind of feeling for me anymore. oh yeah and that shes sorry.
lemme tell ya what a shocker that was. i was so not expecting that, things were so good and then out of the blue its all over. again... only this time i did not fuck it up.
im not really sure how im going to take this. i dont feel anything right now because i think im in shock. but something tells me this is gonna hurt like hell in the moring.
i wanted to talk to someone so i called heather and told her what happened. she seemed annoyed by my calling her so i kept saying i was sorry about how everytime we talk its about my problems. she said "if you appoligize one more time im going to hang up on you." really the last thing i need is someone else hurting me. so i just said i have to go bye and i hung up.
yes it sucks all of my friends flake out on me, especilly when i need them. but oh well i guess i deserve it.

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