Am I just screwed up???

2005-01-16, 9:33 p.m.

My football team beat their rival in a big playoff game today so you�d think I might be feeling pretty damn good right now. Considering football is one of the few things I have to look forward to in my life. But I�m not. Actually I feel like shit� even more so then usual believe it or not.
Martina and I just got done watching a movie. It was one of those tuff gut wrenching love stories that hit home quiet painfully. The movie was about this happy couple. They had been together for 5 years and planned to get married. Anyhow a long story short the chick freaked out about being with the same man for the rest of her life so she told him they should see other people. Not for love just for sex! So they did. The movie touched on all the phases of jealousy that I have been going through in my relationship with Martina. In a way I kind of felt it all over again� only all at once and not quiet as hurtful. But still by the end of the movie I was hurting. I could tell the movie bothered her too, but we did not talk about it. As a matter of fact nether of us said anything. She went to bed, and I went to the computer and here I am.
I don�t think we are doing very good right now. I know something is wrong but I doubt either one of us has the courage to talk about it. Nor do we want to admit it.
Sometimes I think the past is going to linger forever, and I don�t think I can deal with that for the rest of my life. We have talked about marriage and I myself at times have wanted it. But I keep waiting for the day to come when I feel better about things. I fear that day may never come. If I were able to set her feeling aside and fuck someone else 10 hours after we were together. I might feel different right now. But I could not do it. I could not do anything with that girl because I was thinking about Martina. The way I felt after I found out she was not capable of doing the same thing� I don�t know if I can ever get over it.
Sometimes I wonder if I would feel better if I had fucked that girl? I use the word fucked because that�s all it would have been. I had no feelings for her, she was hot� that�s it! I wonder if I were able to ignore Martina�s phone calls, set her feeling aside long enough to fuck another girl. The way she did mine. Would I be able to get over what she did? Does that make sense? Or am I just a jealous person?
I have been with 4 women in my entire life. 3 of the 4 were with Martina. That�s right I am 25 years old and my entire sexual life has been (1. my first real love, whom I was with for 7 years. (2. Martina my rebound girl whom I fell in love with and have spent the last 2 years of my life with� off and on of coarse. And (3 and 4 were both threesomes I had with Martina so I don�t even really want to count those. But even if I do that�s 4! My girlfriend who is like 4 years younger then me might I add� is on #27 and counting. 4 of witch have been since we met. And I was not there for any of them. And that�s just the ones I know about. Am I wrong for wondering if there is more?
I guess the real question is� Will I ever be able to trust her? Or am I just being a jealous person? Maybe I am just screwed up and not capable of having a good relationship.


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