Happiness???

2005-01-25, 7:35 p.m.

Sometimes I don�t even feel like writing unless I have something depressing to write about. Its almost like I have the mentality that if things are going good and there nothing wrong� then there is nothing going on. Like I am blocking out the good. I guess that makes me pretty fucked up huh?
So what�s going on with me??? Well I bought an ipod so life is good. It might be the best investment I have made in a long time, I love it! Martini and I got a gym membership. My football team won again and they are going to there 3rd super bowl in 4 years. Things are going good at work for the most part.
When I read this and all I have to say is positive� I feel boring. Why do I not feel right when I�m happy? Is it because I am never actually happy? Do I even know what happy is? I am so down all the time I think I forgot what happy feels like so when there is nothing wrong I think I�m happy� But I really don�t feel happy. Does that make sense?
There is something seriously wrong with me I don�t think I am even capable of being happy anymore. The fact that I know I�m fucked up should make it easier to get better right? If it were only that simple. If only there were some kind of repair kit I could buy, or an upgrade disk I could shove up my ass that would make me all better. Maybe even some pills I could take? Or maybe if I got the girl I want everything else in my life would seem better and I could experience this �happiness� thing I hear about. Yeah like that�s going to happen.


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